The very first time I went to Greyson's preschool to register him I was handed a stack of papers. The paper on top was a full year calendar and as my eyes glanced down the first thing I read was "October 2 - Grandparents Day." It took my breath away for a second…. and it took me right back to the night my mom was diagnosed with an aggressive, terminal cancer. This is a excerpt from something I wrote in my journal last year about that night.
I thought the days following her diagnosis were the hardest because it was the first time I imagined a life without my mom with me, calling me every five minutes and reminding me to take medicine or schedule a dentist appointment. The days after her diagnosis were miserable. I was sick to my stomach constantly. I cried myself to sleep the first few nights and woke up to relive the feeling all over again. I was paralyzed when I thought of Greyson going to pre-school and having Grandparents Day breakfast knowing that my mom wouldn’t be there. I still dont know why that was the one thing I kept thinking about following her diagnosis. I couldn’t sleep the first night because of that one thought. I remember coming out into the kitchen and she was standing at the counter. I looked at her and burst into tears saying, “who will be there when Greyson has Grandparents Day?” Like thats a big deal considering all the other things she would miss. She simply hugged me and cried with me. Then she turned to my dad, smiled and made him agree that he would take off of work and be there. Greyson wasn’t even in pre-school. There was no grandparents day breakfast scheduled. And yet the thought was crippling.
I never thought I'd be able to make it through a day like today.
But the truth is…. I did. Do I wish my mom could have been there? Absolutely. In fact, I thought about my mom several times today. Watching Greyson sit on a stage with all of his friends and sing sweet little songs is something she would have loved. She would have been the person sitting there crying, simply because she was enjoying it so much. She also would have found a way to help us escape after the preschool portion (instead of having to sit through another hour of performances by Kindergarten, 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th & 5th grade! No offense to all of those lovely elementary kids, of course!)
Today I saw God's provision in a tangible way. I saw my dad take the morning off to go to Grandparent's Day. He was present for him and by him being there it felt like my mom was there. She was physically represented there today. My Great-Aunt and Uncle, who have loved Greyson as if he was their own Grandson since he was born, drove an hour to be there for him. I got to watch him be surrounded and supported by people he loves today and it reminded me that God is always taking care of us…. even if it feels like He isn't.
I also saw God's provision in the fact that I had all the grace I needed for today. The night my mom was diagnosed I was sobbing at the idea that there would one day (whenever it was) be a Grandparent's Day that she wasn't at. I never thought I could make it through a day like that. It reminds me of something my mentor told me a decade ago…. God gives you the grace you need every day, similar to how he rained down manna every day for the Israelites while they were in the wilderness for 40 years. It kept them alive. He doesn't give it to you ahead of time. He gives you exactly what you need for the day. As a young twenty-something I struggled with being single and being afraid God would want me to stay single forever ( a whole different blog post!) and she would ask me, "Well, can you be single for today?" My answer was always yes… because let's be honest, a day isn't that long. The truth that God gives us fresh mercy and grace every day has been one of the sweetest things for me. Today was such a good reminder of it. Almost two years ago when my mom was diagnosed I couldn't bare the thought of today - because I didn't need to. I didn't need to worry about October 2, 2015 on the evening of November 17, 2013. But today I could handle it.
Today was a day that I will always be able to look back on and remember God's faithfulness.
So what is your "Grandparent's Day"?
Do you believe that God is taking care of you today and will continue to do it through the very thing you are afraid of?
No comments