Two weeks ago we had a miscarriage and lost our sweet, little baby. Although this pregnancy was strongly desired, I was still in total shock when I saw the two pink lines and even more shocked when I saw PREGNANT on the digital test. I honestly expected to endure a long journey of trying, like we did with our second. I could hardly hold the news in but decided I would share the exciting news with my husband on Easter morning with a card I made and a pregnancy test tucked into a cute little felt carrot. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so excited for Easter morning to come! He was thrilled when he found out but admitted he started to suspect something when I insisted on filming him while he opened his card.... but I am so thankful to have that 45 second video. It captures a small glimpse of the joy this baby brought into our lives.
Several people have asked me how I am feeling and the truth is - I feel good... maybe the word is peaceful. I almost feel guilty saying that because I know the struggle of infertility and I would never expect it to be someone else’s answer. There is deep sadness at what was lost but at the same time, for me, there has been true peace. This sweet baby’s life has taught me so much and I can say that it has helped me to know the Lord even more. The day I saw those two positive tests I immediately thanked God for that life, knowing that He is THE giver of life. We quickly anticipated juggling three kids, having to use the third row in the van, and possibly buying PINK clothes. We talked names and began to plan life as a family of five. Although I will never rock that baby in my arms or hear its gentle giggle, I can rest knowing that God works all things for my good. For much of my life I heard that verse tossed from a stage or taught in a bible study but now I have experienced it and I truly believe it. It’s not a bandaid for crummy circumstance. It is the foundation that I now build my life upon. I have seen the goodness of the Lord in my lowest of moments. The moment we knew for sure we had lost the baby I mentally went back to the other hard times in my life - the ones you don’t think you’ll survive. Those are the moments that you wonder where God is. You wonder if He is with you… or if He cares… and then you make it through and you look back and see how God took care of you every step of the way. He grew you. He blessed you. I’ve been in relationship with Jesus long enough to know that He IS always with me, even in the valley where the lessons are hard and long.
This time it didn’t take getting to the other side to see God’s goodness and for that I am incredibly grateful. The valley felt familiar and I never felt abandoned. This time there was peace and assurance of God’s best. God’s best? Wouldn’t that mean answering my prayers and saving our baby? Not this time. God’s best for us was losing that baby exactly when we did. It absolutely would not have been our choice (in fact we were earnestly praying the very opposite) but I trust that God always chooses what is best for us. I cant see the future but I do know that I could have experienced something that would have broken me even more. I could have carried that sweet baby to 30 weeks and then had to say goodbye. I could have delivered him or her, held them in my arms and had to let them go. I could have delivered a baby that would live a life of only suffering, and while I would have loved that baby for every second of its life, it would have wrecked me. So yes, I believe God chose what was best for me and for that sweet baby.
It reminds me of a time when we had taken Greyson to Cracker Barrel for lunch when he was three. We offered to take him out for ice cream after lunch. He was so excited but as we walked out he noticed the Checker boards and rocking chairs. He asked if we could sit and play. We explained that we only had time to play Checkers or go get ice cream. We just knew he’d pick ice cream, because it was such a RARE thing for us to do. Tell me what three year old doesn’t pick ice cream?! He quickly chose CHECKERS. We explained it a few more times and even warned him we thought he would prefer ice cream. Finally, we sat down and played checkers. When we were done we loaded up in to the car and he asked for ice cream. My heart broke. He cried the entire way home. As his parents we knew he would rather have the ice cream but his three year old brain couldn’t walk past those red and black game pieces. I’ve gone back to that experience several times the last few weeks, remembering that I cant see past this moment. I cant look past wanting that baby in my arms. Wanting this baby may be similar to picking Checkers. But luckily, I believe in a God that can see all of my days and I can trust him, knowing he will always choose the ice cream for me. I also believe we each and every life was created to glorify Him. What does that mean?
“Glorifying means feeling and thinking and acting in ways that reflect his greatness, that make much of God, that give evidence of the supreme greatness of all his attributes and the all-satisfying beauty of his manifold perfections”
http://www.desiringgod.org/messages/glorifying-god-period
http://www.desiringgod.org/messages/glorifying-god-period
Our sweet baby did just that for the whole of its short life. From the moment we knew of its existence until this very day, this baby has done nothing but point us back to God and remind us of His greatness. What a precious life that I am so thankful for. As much as I wanted this baby to end up in my arms, it's bittersweet to know that this one is in my moms arms. I’m even more anxious for Heaven and eager for that sweet, sweet reunion.
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